From the Trenches of High School

Another Year, Another Waiting Game

2010-08-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

It's been another year, and I am still not teaching. In fact, I'm not in the Master's program anymore because of that. It felt like asking a doctor to explain how to do surgery without ever actually having performed it before.

Although I am no longer working for minimum wage, I am still in retail, working for a company I swore I would never work for again. However, it is a different place and a different time, and though it's not teaching English, I still teach on a daily basis. It allows me to tap into another one of my passions (this time, photography), so to some extent it keeps me happy. I like my job - but I love my career and want it to start so that I can get that special fulfillment in my life that I miss so much.

I've been tutoring a couple of middle school students once a week to keep myself sharp and make a little extra cash. It has helped a lot with my need to teach, but it's just grammar and writing, not literature. I want to read beautiful poetry and literature and break it down and show young minds how to understand and love it as much as I do. I want to teach.

I want to teach.

The Woes of Recessions from the Eyes of a Teacher

2009-08-20T15:11:00.001-07:00

School starts very soon where I live, and it is something I am constantly reminded of at my job. No - not my teaching job, my retail job. Why on earth should I have to work for minimum wage with my education and certification? Honestly, I think about it every day and it makes me miserable. What's even worse? One of my former students came into the store I work at and laughed at me.

Sigh.

At the Close

2009-06-11T18:12:00.000-07:00

This is a journal entry I asked my Juniors to write for me, and the response that I wrote to read to them.

Your Junior year is very quickly coming to an end. Next year, you'll be seniors! This is a very important period in your life. Many of you (I hope) will be thinking about college and life after high school.

Take some time to reflect on this past year at Katella, and how you've grown. What important life lessons have you learned? How have you changed?
Tell me what your goals are for your senior year and after. What colleges are you interested in? How excited are you to apply as an English major? (just kidding... maybe!)

This is my "journal" to them:

I've learned a lot about teaching this year. For example, as much as I wanted everything to go perfectly, it never will. Students will always be late, not do work, cheat, and make up excuses. Another thing I learned is that you can't make everyone care. I know these sound really negative, but for me, they're not. I, for a while, felt like I was a failure because I had students failing. But now I know that even the best teachers can't reach every student.

More importantly than all of that, I learned that I really was meant to be a teacher. Watching kids succeed, fall, struggle, and pick themselves back up again and being around to help is very fulfilling. I love challenging students. But most of all, I get to be the center of attention and talk about how much I know - which is fantastic for my ego.

My goals for next school year? Get a job, and do well in my masters program! Not much, but they're both extremely important!

Nothing to do with teaching, but...

2009-06-08T19:18:00.001-07:00

I have started my food-blogging up again, and I am doing it here this time. Find me at http://jackie-cooks.blogspot.com.

The Final Stretch

2009-06-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

With my personal life taking every bit of my emotion and energy out of me, I'm starting to struggle in this final stretch of time for teaching. It's difficult to care when I know I'll never see these kids again, and probably won't step foot on that campus again. I know it wouldn't be this hard if people didn't have terrible timing. But right now... How am I supposed to feel motivated to teach when it takes me 15 minutes to even motivate myself to get out of bed everyday?

This is the email I received today.

2009-05-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

You have met all of the necessary requirements to receive a recommendation for the following document.

Credential: P5--(Preliminary): $29.50 Single Subject Teaching Credential
Issuance: 05/29/2009

In order to complete the filing process, you must take the following steps:

1) Proceed to https://teachercred.ctc.ca.gov/cctc_phase3/InteractionMgr?interactionmgr.interaction=Enter_ApplicantLogin
2) When prompted, enter date of birth and social security number to prove identity.
3) Complete a short online form.
4) Pay the credential fee using Visa or MasterCard debit or credit card.

When completed, the application form and fee will be sent to the California Commission on Teacher
Credentialing, which reserves the final authority to grant or deny a credential.

Certified by: Kristin Luzzi

I Make Them Think

2009-05-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

I am not the only student teacher at my school. There is another, and she goes to a different University than I do to get her credential.
I was speaking with her on Friday, in the copy room, and she asked me about a particular student. We talked about him for a minute, and she told me that she knew him from outside of school. She asked me about him because I guess they had talked about me, which automatically would make me uncomfortable, of course. Anyway, the point is, he said he didn't like me, and that he likes their old teacher (my master teacher) more. Why is that?

Because I make them think.

I suppose, if there was any reason to be disliked, that is a good one for me.

When The Students Are... Nice.

2009-05-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

My kids (er well... Juniors) were odd today. They were nice. We exchanged a few jokes before class, poked a little fun about... and one of my students (NOT one of my good students, mind you... she is failing pretty bad) gave me a button! It says "I <3 cats, it's people I can't stand!"

I had to yell at my freshmen today, though, because they laugh at everything. Was I really ever that immature?

Senior Prank?

2009-05-04T12:15:00.001-07:00

We were scheduled to finish out our last day of standardized testing today. When we arrived at school to get in the classrooms, we found that all of the doors on our side of the building had their locks glued shut. It was hilarious to watch administrators, one after another, try their keys in the doors - because if one key didn't work, maybe this one will...

One of the teachers also had, as he put it "a penis with hairy testicles" drawn on his door. When they came to clean it off, I said (without thinking) "it looks like they're cleaning off your hairy testicles."

Yeah.

Thankfully, this whole experience only set us back 30 minutes. Nevertheless, what a way to start out a week.

2009-04-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time.

So, unless you live under a rock, you should be aware that California has a bit of a crisis in regards to the teaching and education community. This is something that does not bode well for someone like me, an aspiring teacher.

With the economy the way it is overall, "layoffs," "budget cuts," and "unemployment" have become frequent discussions in the household. My concern is when these discussions hit the households of an educator. Perhaps I am biased, but I am starting to feel like one of very few people with their head on straight.

Why is it always so acceptable to jeopardize the educations of the youth in this country? Here we have a president that has finally put the emphasis on education that is so long over due, but we have a governor that is so willing to cut billions out of the budget (do I need to remind you that Schwarzenegger ran on a platform where he said he would not cut from education)? And then, on top of it all, they put out a Proposition set (1A-F) that couples a FANTASTIC 9 billion dollars back into education (Prop 1B) with an evil, diabolical, and deceitful tax extension/raise that is being disguised as a "spending cap" (Prop 1A). Why is this such a problem, you wonder? Because if Prop 1A fails, Prop 1B fails too. This places so many people in a horrific predicament - do I vote for taxes that I can't afford to pay, or do I give up on the public education system and put thousands of California teachers out of work? I for one will never vote against education, because you cannot put a price on the future of a child.

I recently attended the John and Ken Tax Revolt 2009 with my boyfriend in Downtown Fullerton, California. We were among the minority there (being under 30, not upper class, liberals), and I can certainly say that I do not stand for almost anything that John and Ken do, but I must agree with the basic premise of this so called "revolt." The governator has got to go, and so do the bigwigs up in Sacramento. Say "so long" to the days of political divides, it is just one big clusterfuck. But I will never, ever support the concept that it is okay to cut from education, which seems to be an idea that J&K are more than fine with. They consistently call teachers "greedy" on their show, and talk about how they just want to suck money from every avenue possible. Is it greedy that I want to have a job come fall? Is it greedy that I went to school for an extra year to get a credential so I could teach children, while not being paid for all of the work that I did and am doing? I am not greedy, it is politicians that are greedy. It is republicans that are greedy. It is democrats that are greedy.

Someday, I will be governor of California. But for now, I just want a job. Is that so greedy?

Student Teachers Get the Short End of the Stick.

2008-12-09T06:42:00.000-08:00

My master teacher called out yesterday. And today. Which would be fine, except they call in a substitute teacher that gets to sit around and do NOTHING for two class periods while I teach the class. And who gets paid? They do. Not me.

That is so frustrating. And I theoretically could substitute for my teacher, but the district has to have openings for substitutes so that I can be employed as one and so they can pay me for that.

It is very frustrating. I want money. Sigh.

My Feelings

2008-12-01T21:37:00.000-08:00

One of our teachers at the school I am at passed away over the long weekend. This is always one of those slightly odd "in limbo" situations for me. Do I appologize for the loss? It's not my fault or anyone else's, so is that what I should do? I am never exactly sure. I didn't even actually know this person - though he was a science teacher and I spent some time talking to their department head. regardless, it is very bizarre - to think someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a colleague, has died, is weird.

When a coworker of mine at Best Buy died a little less than a year ago, even those who did not know him well were affected. That is not too different from now, because, like my store was one store, it is one school that feels a loss.

The students are supposed to be writing about their feelings, which is why I wrote this. It has been a strange morning - they came in quiet and have remained that way. One student went down to the campus theater to talk to the school psychologists, I think he may be on the water polo team that the teacher coached.

The Death of the Writer's Notebook?

2008-11-23T11:53:00.000-08:00

Our new quarter started on November 10, and since then we have not done a single writer's notebook entry, which accounts for my absence.

A few things have happened, however, that are certainly noteworthy. One, I was observed by my instructor in my 2nd period Junior class. It went great - my kids were wonderful (that is probably my favorite class) and my teacher loved them, as well as me. I was very excited. I have my observation of my Freshmen tomorrow, so we shall see how that goes. Discipline is something that may be an issue with them, because as I have previously noted, they are very immature.

I guess the only other exciting thing is that I am writing a test for my Juniors on The Crucible. I think I am done with it, but I need to maybe cut out 3 questions, so that it is easier to assign point values. Stupid logistical stuff, but it is weird how important that kind of thing can be.

Goals for this week (it is only a 3 day week...):

1. Have a good observation.

2. Finish Night with the freshmen.

3. Give a successful test that the kids don't fail horribly.

Entry #17 - My Reflection on the First Quarter

2008-11-05T14:49:00.000-08:00

Although this isn't my first quarter of high school ever, it is my first quarter of high school in this role. I'm trying to decide whether or not it is more or less than I expected, and what sorts of ideas I have had to put behind me. It has been interesting for me - but more importantly, it has gone extremely fast. I am shocked that the first quarter is already done, and that means that after this next quarter, these classes will be my classes. That is almost as exciting as it is terribly frightening, because I will have sole responsibility over the minds of about 100 students. I have the opportunity to make a huge impact or to do nothing at all - and it is not all up to me, because the students have so much to do with what happens in the classroom.

I am also coming to a close on my first semester of classes in the credential program. Those classes have been far less stressful than I would have originally imagined, and I am overall pretty happy with what happened... except I somehow feel that they left me under prepared. But I always have a looming fear of being under-prepared. I suppose, come February, we shall see.

As far as a reflection on my students from this first quarter, I am overall pretty pleased with the amount of diversity that I have and the very different personalities represented in my classes. Although I wish I had more students that fell into the exceptional category, I do have to remember that most of them are doing their best, and as long as I know that, that is all that matters. They are far more complex than they let on, which I only know because of things like their writer's notebooks and, for my juniors, their journal entries.

I look forward to the next quarter, and seeing what I can do.

A Day in History.

2008-11-04T20:50:00.000-08:00

One of my juniors asked my master teacher who she was voting for. Of course, she can't answer that question - but it lead me wondering two things. One, who was she voting for? And, two, why didn't anyone ask me? I only ponder the first question because I think, in California, who you vote for really does say a lot about your beliefs, because we are a guaranteed blue state. And, of course, because I am nosy and think that kind of thing is my business.

But two really intrigues me more, because do they assume that because I am a young person that I would vote a certain way? Generally I have no qualms about stating my political affiliations, as I do not believe I should have to hide my beliefs. But, the position of teacher holds an interesting conundrum for me on that level. We have been taught repeatedly in our education classes that our beliefs - political, religious, etc - must be checked at the door. This, I have observed through seeing so many of my fellow credential candidates, won't be such an easy thing for many people. But how easy will it be for me, too?

What the most important thing to realize, on this day, is what a great day in history this is. This is regardless of whether or not you think Obama should have won this election. Think: it was September 22, 1862 when Abraham Lincoln made the Emancipation Proclamation. Today, November 4, 2008, an African-American has been elected to be the President of that same United States of America. This is a day in history, no matter if you are a supporter of Obama or not.

Tonight, I am proud to be an American.

Entry #16 - My Role Within The Family

2008-11-03T14:44:00.000-08:00

In my immediate family, I am the baby. When I lived at home, I didn't really have chores or many responsibilities, because my mom didn't work. I was also the annoying little sister - a part I played all too well for my mean older brother! Now that I don't live at home, my role is to get done with school and get a job so that I can pay my parents back someday. Not something I look forward to (the paying back part, I mean).

I don't feel as though I have a role yet in my extended family. I am too old to be one of the "kids," but too young to be married and have kids of my own. I almost feel as though it is easy for me to slip into the abyss of my family and be overwhelmed by all of the large personalities therein - which I don't really mind, oddly enough.

As for now, living on my own, my role is to be a good mother to my two kittens, and a good friend and roommate, which is much harder than it sounds when I have to balance everything else in my life, too.

First Graders or Freshmen - Who is More Mature?

2008-10-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

Today, I was late to my school site because I turned my phone on silent to watch the Obamamercial, and therefore I did not hear my alarm. How embarrassing.

Yesterday, we gave the Juniors an open book test on Act 1 of The Crucible. I graded them last night, and had very few A's. Can someone explain that to me? I am realizing constantly how jaded I am from my high school experiences in honors and AP classes, but thankful that I have managed to not hold this against my students. It isn't their fault... well, it is some of their fault. Like the kid that admitted to us that he wasn't paying attention, and that is why he got a 7/30 on his open book test. I said to him, "you couldn't have even looked for the answers in the book? I mean, really, at least learn how to fake it." I should know, I was an expert at "faking it" and "b.s." in both high school and college. Uh... I mean... I was an excellent student...

Now, onto my titular topic. My freshmen class has been unbearably immature lately. We're talking paper throwing, giggling, poking, calling out, etc levels of immaturity. Which has caused me to compare them to the first and second graders that I tutor, because I go through a pretty similar situation on a daily basis with them, too. So, you ask, who wins? I have two second graders that are definitely more mature than four or five of my freshmen. Thankfully, the other 15 of my freshmen are reasonably more mature... but only three impress me with their maturity (interestingly enough, they are all girls). One kid is so bad, he was suspended from school, but I am also pretty sure that he has ADHD.

Next week, we are doing a lesson plan that I created myself. I hope it goes well.

Entry #15 - Halloween Memories

2008-10-29T16:04:00.000-07:00

My mom made most of my costumes as a child, so I always had really unique ones. My favorite was Halloween was kind of a weird one for me, because my brother was really sick and couldn't go with my mom and me.

For the costumes this particular year, we did a Super Mario theme. My mom was Luigi, my brother was going to be Mario, and I was Princess Peach. I still remember the feel of the stuff, felt "hair" my mom made, and how it was bright yellow. My mom looked so funny in her green Luigi outfit, but it was perfect, just like everything she made for us. And, it was a very special Halloween, since it was just my mom and me.

Down my parents' street a little but was this old tree we called "stinky tree" because, well, it smelled awful. Every year on Halloween, we would avoid this house, like all of the other children, because of the smell. It only smelled bad around this time of year, too, and my mom said that it was because of the flowers that bloomed on it. That tree is gone, now.

Halloween was always so cold by my parents' house. Wearing that little pink dress, I am sure I was freezing, but I never would say a word to be sure that my mom didn't take me home. My mom collected candy that year for my brother, and I have so many memories of the "plunk" of candy falling into my bucket, before we switched to pillow cases to get more candy.

I just realized how random the "stinky tree" paragraph looks. Whatever.

Entry #14 - People I Can Count On

2008-10-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I am not sure who I have to count on. Most of the people I have trusted deeply or held as my closest friends have hurt me in one way or another too severely to forgive. Although I have a lot of friends, there are few I would ask much from.

When I think of people I can count on, my parents and my brother are the ones that really come to mind immediately. My parents have always been the most supportive people in my life, and I know they will always be there for me when I need them. The same goes for my brother, although it hasn't always been that way. In April, though, when I was scared of what my future would bring, my brother was there to help m,e and made me feel like everything was going to be okay.

The other person I know I can count on for anything is my boyfriend - and yes, I do realize that sounds cheesy and gag-worthy. The guarded, scared, and damaged little girl side of me hesitates to say that, but in my heart I know how honest he is, and he has shown me everyday that he will be there for me, and that together, we can get through anything. Of course, that scared, guarded side of me hopes I don't eat those words in the future.

Welcome to my battle.

2008-10-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

My decision to become a teacher first ran through my mind at the age of 13. I was in my middle school English class, and one of the students asked our teacher, Mr. Akiyama, why he had become a teacher. I thought that this was a very odd question to ask someone. Does anyone really know why they become anything? I don't remember his answer exactly, but I do know that he said it was the satisfaction that he had at the end of the day that really made it worthwhile. And, in that moment, I thought to myself,

"I could do that."

I have wandered down many different paths in my life, regarding what and where I wanted to be when "I grew up." And now, I find myself out of college, in my very early 20s, and in one of the best programs in the country to become a teacher. I have never felt more like a grownup in my life... except for the fact that I am unnervingly frightened by the whole experience, and I have never felt so uncertain of myself.

I teach 3 periods, under the supervision of two VERY different female "master teachers." my first two are Juniors, that range from the quiet outcasts to the loud, obnoxious kid that you're afraid won't do anything with their life. My freshmen... well, let me just say that I know I was never that annoying, despite what my older brother may tell you.

Here, I plan to chronicle the journal entries I write along with my freshmen twice a week, as well as any experiences I have that are poignant enough for me to find the time to sit down and type. I have been at it for about 5 weeks now, and there are some things I have to get out there into the world.

I hope that through this blog, if nothing else, I can get someone to understand how hard a teacher's job really is. Everyday is a battle, but it is one that, for the sake of the future, I will willingly dive into the trenches for.

Entry #13 - Loss of Belief

2008-10-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have to point out that this is a very personal entry to me, because it gives way to explanation of a lot of my beliefs. I don't want to change the names in any of my entries, but this is the only one I have ever considered it in. But, I won't, for the sake of "keepin' it real." I hope I don't offend anyone.

When I was 12, my brother's best friend (who was my ex-best friend's older brother) was in a serious car accident with one of my brother's other friends, Brian. Ramsey was the one driving, and only had a very serious injury to his head, whereas Brian had a lot of broken bones, cuts, and bruises.

At this time in my life, I had been going to church with some of my friends. One of the things I had always remembered was that they told us if we prayed, and it was selfless, God would listen to our prayers.

Well, I was not very fond of Ramsey - he was always so mean to be, and my brother and him would gang up on me all of time. But, I still prayed, every night, that Ramsey would be okay. Ten days or so after the accident, and being placed in a drug-induced comma, Ramsey was declared brain dead, and his family had to "pull the plug." After that day, I have never set foot inside of a church for any religious reason (it had been never until my trip to Europe this summer, unless you count the chapel at a cemetery). I have never since prayed, and I do not believe in a God or a monotheistic religion with any higher power at its center of faith.

Now that it has been almost ten years (March 10, 2009 will be ten years) since his death, I realize what "good" came from his death, and the effect that it has had on the lives of those involved in it. However, I lost my faith in the church, and I cannot trust them or in a god that lies to people and can disappoint them so much. That may be a strong statement to make - but I have had almost ten years to think about this, and the actions of so many people and churches as a whole have continued to solidify these feelings in me.

Entry #12 - Reflection on Holocaust Documentary

2008-10-20T17:05:00.000-07:00

Before my freshmen begin reading Night, we watched a documentary on 5 Hungarian Holocaust survivors. I didn't get a chance to finish this entry.

The Holocaust is one of the most difficult things for me to fathom. I grew up in a community heavily populated with Jews, and I know many people who have grandparents that ere in the Holocaust.

This documentary is so different from many of the others that I have watched over the years, because of the direct and personal focus placed on this histories of individuals. They are all so difficult to watch, still, and not become overwhelmed with any number of emotions. The Holocaust makes me angry, frustrated, and sad, and I think that everyone should feel those emotions (and more) about the Holocaust.

Entry #11 – My Fears

2008-10-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

I am extremely afraid of failure. I am afraid that I will work so hard, as I have, and I will fail and have nothing. From my career choice to my relationships… I am afraid of failing and ending up alone.

I fear that I won’t make it through the credential program and I will have to redo it or find a new goal in life. Or, I fear that I will not be a good enough teacher, and that I will lose my job.

My parents have been married for 30 years – only 1 person in my family has ever divorced. I am so afraid that I will not make someone happy and that they will not want to be with me, but stay with me not to hurt me, and out of pity. I guess, then, I am also afraid of an unhappy relationship, or making someone I love unhappy because they do not love me.

Entry #10 – My Day “Off” From School

2008-10-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

The alarm started its annoying song at 5:55am. I groaned, and searched under my pillow to find my phone, to make that awful noise stop. I jabbed the oblong “Palm” button several times to make the incessant noise stop. I considered, for a moment, laying back down and covering up in my soft, fluffy, fuzzy blue blanket, but I knew I had to be to school earlier than usual, so I resigned myself to turning off my other two back-up alarms and throwing off my favorite blanket.

I reluctantly jumped over Amazo, my boyfriend’s extremely fat tabby cat who had decided to sleep at our feet as opposed to the floor or chair where I usually find him so early in the morning, and stumbled into the bathroom, squinting my eyes and I turned on the fan and light. I headed straight for the shower, and I looked forward to the welcoming hot water of the morning, but instead was greeted mockingly by a shocking spray of frigid water that gave me a jolt of adrenaline.

After my shower (I of course waited for my precious steaming hot water), I looked back down at the blanket-covered futon and my soft, blue pillow, and crawled back under my favorite soft, fuzzy, blue blanket and though “what’s five more minutes?” as I fished my phone back out from underneath my pillow and reset my alarm for those precious few moments of rest before I had to get ready for the long day ahead.

Entry #9 – Watermark Event: Moving Out

2008-10-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

When I turned 18, and was starting college, I moved out of my parents’ house. I had not only lived in that house my entire life, but I had even lived in the same room.

I was excited to move out. I hated where I grew up, and knew I would be closer to my friends that lived where I was moving. I was going to live with two other girls, Mandy and P.J. I had known Mandy for about three years, but we had found P.J. through a website. Mandy and I shared a room. Our room had one window, and a walk-in closet. On each side, we put up posters and photos to make it our own space. The bathroom was across the hall, and Mandy decorated it with a duck theme.

Things were great at first. But, as time went on, it all went downhill. We started arguing, fighting, and yelling. It was awful, and Mandy was proving to be a terrible friend. It was so bad, I had to move my mattress to the living room.

When it came time to move out, I ended up having to clean everything in the apartment except P.J.’s room, because Mandy did nothing. And, to top it all off, they took the deposit money and forged my signature.

Entry #8 – Watermark Event: A “Major” Change

2008-10-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

The Freshmen have to work on this Watermark Assignment, that they will continue through the quarter.

When I was in my sophomore year of college, I was a Physics major. I was starting my electro-magnetism class, and I had gotten the teacher everyone warned me about, including faculty. I went to the class for the first few weeks, and it was just as awful as I had been warned. He berated the class, calling us stupid for having questions, and would only give “A”s to people that went to all of his office hours.

It was horrible, and I was so conflicted – I had already spent a year in college preparing for a career in physics, I had taken chemistry, other physics classes, and really difficult math, and I didn’t know what to do.

Luckily, the previous semester, I had taken an English 101 class that I loved, and it reminded me how much I loved to write and do essays – just overall having the opportunity to be creative. After some serious deliberation and conversation with my mom, I decided to drop my physics class, lab, and my calculus 2 class, and change my major to English.

I have never looked back on this decision. I actually decided to teach because I never want another student to be treated the way that I was by that physics professor.

Entry #7 – A Lesson You Have Learned

2008-10-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

I plan on posting all of my Writer's Notebook entries. This is the first one that I was in the Freshmen class for.

When I was 9, I wanted to go to my best friend Cassidy’s dad’s girlfriend’s house. My parents were not home, and my brother was babysitting me. I called my parents, and they told me that I needed to wait for them to come home. But, Cassidy was getting ready to go and they could not wait for me. So, despite what my parents said, I went.

I had a great time at Jan’s house; it is the only time I have ever laughed so hard that something came out of my nose (very cold water – not something I want to relive). However, my parents called Jan’s house, and were absolutely furious with me. They came and picked me up, and I was grounded for a month. I was also not allowed to go to my other friend’s, Christy, 10^th birthday party.

What lesson did I learn? I tried very hard to not disobey my parents again.